Your Stories
Your need someone who will weather storms with you
I think [the child’s experience of being in OOHC] is a really important question to ask. Maybe asking ourselves that question is more important than any of the answers. I haven't grown up in care, and I can only imagine what it will be like. But I do imagine that it's really, really hard. I imagine that it can feel…or actually is unsafe sometimes. I would imagine that it’s confusing and very lonely as well. I think that’s the most important bit that it’s actually really, really, really hard,
It's important that we put ourselves in the shoes of these kids when we deal with them. I think they’re in a really difficult situation, and that's not any of their own fault. And they’re coping with circumstances that are probably unimaginably difficult. We see them as being challenging to deal with quite often. And we’ve got to step up here. Despite that difficulty and challenge, know that they deserve our attention and deserve our time and our patience and our advocacy. We need to meet them with an open mind and actually be really respectful of their behaviours, even if they are really challenging to us. I think the most important thing is ‘put ourselves in their shoes’.
I really think [lack of relationships] is at the core of the difficulties that I find with working with kids in OOHC. I think it is so important and unfortunately so difficult with the way that things are run in the OOHC sector. Of course, [relationships] need to be done, you know? But when I think about the actual lived experience at the moment and supporting these kids, their relationships are not protected very well. And it's very difficult to do that under the current circumstances. I think that starts with the frontline. People that care for the children seem blissfully unaware of the importance of relationships and of relational safety. They are not supported in thinking about that. They are not supported in thinking about that and they are not supported in fostering those real and lasting connections and relationships.
I think that protecting real relationships would need to start with an understanding of their importance and with an understanding of how relationships come about, how are they formed, how are they maintained. In my opinion that involves stability of relationship and a preparedness to stick with relationships, even when, maybe especially when, they are difficult.
Carers of young people in care…clinicians, case managers all need more support to maintain relationships. It's very, very tricky and woefully undervalued, outrageously in this sector. Keeping relationships actually involves seeking out relationships around the child and the carer…supporting each other in a predictable repeated way, where we share knowledge and information and bounce ideas off each other. Because I know that the person who cares for this child in an [Alternative Care Arrangement]…is isolated, they’re not particularly educated or qualified, and yet their role is incredibly important. I think there is a need to expand relationships to those people that are in frontline work with young people.
I think that kids are generally looking for a connection with their carers. So when they are removed from their family of origin, they are really, really keen to connect with care. So a good, solid connection that tolerates disagreement and conflict and difficulty, with a responsible adult. That's what they're looking for. It's when they get let down in those relationships for whatever reason that they start looking everywhere. So then it might be less responsible adults…then as kids get older, they look to peers and…they look to romantic relationships. I think in my experience, they are constantly looking for connection.
In a very heart breaking way, I see kids that come to see me, I should be such a remote feature in their lives, but they’re often very, very keen to connect with me and with the environment that I provide them. Sometimes I'm the person that they’ve known the longest and they see me three times a year. I think kids are not actually making it that difficult for us. They are looking to connect with people that are willing to provide connection. And we’ve got a responsibility to offer them something that’s worthwhile, that lasts, that gives them guidance, that sets good examples, that role models for them.
I think that it helps when we have carers that are calm and patient and emotionally available and well resourced and emotionally well supported. [Carers] who actually have the time and wherewithal and the presence of body and soul to be connected and to offer that connection. That is harder to do than meets the eye. Because there's so many practical disruptions that people seem to think don’t matter. I'm not even talking about repeated placement failures. It starts with constant change of caseworkers, ripping them out of one school, putting them in the next one and changing professionals around, changing foster agency and, obviously, placement failures.
It's difficult because you need someone who's there and stays there and is stable and will weather storms with you. There’s limited understanding for those challenging [child] behaviours, which I do understand are coping mechanisms. When a young person feels unsafe and is confused and hurt and longing for a safe attachment, that doesn't always look soft and fuzzy. We need to support carers to understand that and still be able to make themselves available. And we don’t have a lot of support out there, we don't have support first for the kids, but we also don’t have support for the carers.
I feel like saying we should be very careful that the kids are actually better off when they are removed. I think what we do need to be aware of [what happens next] and be really humble and careful. It's an enormous step to take a child away from their parents and their family of birth; even if we place them with loving carers. Even if you do well and they’re well supported kids, they still have an enormous trauma from the experience of removal.
Removal is often done in a traumatic way as well, I think sometimes that’s forgotten about. When people swoop in there with the best intentions and take a child, often from school or in a very surprising way for the family. We don't think enough about the traumatic nature of that. Even if it is safer on the other end, it might not feel safe for a long, long, long time. I would want those that make those decisions about removal to be aware that [this is] really not an easy and healthy solution,
So consider; consider what happens next. It’s nowhere near as easy as I would love this to be. It’s not black and white. There’re no fabulous solutions as with many a thing in life. But it really deserves thoughtful, measured input from any of us that have a role. We need to work together and be careful and thoughtful and give this the time and attention it deserves.